Maple's Library of Thoughts

Remainder

I don’t want to write in sections for this, simply just rant, on and on for a while, until I’ve felt like everything that should be said, had been said.

I remember something, that “something” isn’t a moment, or a piece of time, or even any object people would believe is relevant. It was candy, a singular piece I had snuck into my pockets, morning of the first day of coming back to school after covid, entering grade 7. Friends already being there, no expectations, no nothing, simply just attending, laughing, and sharing every last moment with every one of them. I remember times when I didn’t have a filter, or even before this during covid where I had met more and more people online, connecting with people I never would’ve talked to otherwise even when I shouldn’t have. Participating in the “meaningless” drama and honorary roles that people would otherwise tell you is a waste of time.

To me it wasn’t, those memories and moments built me piece by piece. I remember late nights when I would hide under the blanket with my tablet, faking asleep so that I would have more time to text my friends late into the night over discord, sneaking candy and dropshipping like an entrepeneur before I had any concept of money. Finally landing my first commission to translate after crying myself to sleep over not being chosen as a tester for a game the night prior.

Even then, graduating from middle school felt like nothing, it was swift but it wasn’t hard to say goodbye to my friends, because those friendships still continued even though no one I knew went to my high school.

The leaves began to fall again, that fall came, the one that led me into high school. For the first time, I’ve no friends again, entering a new school I hadn’t understood the dynamics of. I entered high school with so much optimism, I hadn’t even realized what I wanted to do for a career yet.

“I want to do engineering. I love the hands on because I can see what I’m doing, with software I can’t.” - me 2022

“I want to do business! I think I’m smarter than other people, I believe I have what it takes to raise my own ceiling to break into finance!” - me 2023

I was naive. I hadn’t considered how my arrogance and ego would give me backlash entering high school.

My first year of high school looking back, was one of the happiest I’d have ever been. Not understanding the importance of grades, how to talk to people respectively, participating in clubs I had no idea the meaning of, doing competitions and losing in every one of them before realizing the reality behind them.

I remember the very first report card, seeing grades in the 70’s and not thinking much of it, but receiving scouldings from my parents the same night. I remember being laughed at for not knowing anything about programming, to the point where I had grinded hundreds of problems on leetcode, consistently hours for months on end until I had finally received my first burn out. I remember not being aware of my informal language when speaking to others infront of teachers and getting scoulded for it. I wish I could forget them, but they’re precious despite how I felt at the time.

High school never taught me how to achieve better grades. Infact, it never taught me anything that I would be carrying into university. The people did, and the moments I had shared with them will be what carries on into the next stage.

Stepping foot onto the University of Waterloo for the first time, setting foot into lectures, listening to the heights that a professor, a teacher could provide for their students along with the heights that where perceivable. That moment became my wish to inspire my own students to try and look, further than the practice sheets they’re used to be handed to.

Nothing was ever perfect though, “defeat was almost always prior success.” I remember how I was arguing over wechat, same night as my admissions letter came. Immediately shifting from that melancholic feeling of arguing, to that relief, fading into happiness as I couldn’t even believe it myself.

The day I had set foot onto campus for the first time, I had felt ignited from inside, it was a reminder of where I would be for the next four years, where I spent my high school life preparing to enter. Even then, knowing that in my university, there are people who like me who dreamed of coming here to study, then there’s people who couldn’t perform at the level they usually performed to and ended up into my university, not having this school even as a second choice.

But here I am tonight, a mere fourteen hours away from on-site registration, twenty-one hours away from my english-level placement exam. Feeling the weight and shattering of every last bit of confidence I had being accepted into this university, and leaving everything else behind, needing to prove myself entering a new beginning.

That’s not the case, and if I really have anything to tell others also worried, it’s that:

西瓜:

“恐惧是正常的。恐惧是本能的保护罩”

“Fear is normal. Fear is the instinctive mechanism of protection.”

“没有人真能完全不被影响，只是有人硬扛着。能承认自己承受不了，敢软弱的人，才是真勇者”

“No one can truly remain unaffected, it’s just that there’s people who simply endure it. But people who know they can’t endure, able to accept their weaknesses, are the truly brave people.”

University is a completely new beginning. It’s a new setting, new storyline, and a completely new experience that awaits not only for me, but for everyone else.